Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
