Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
