Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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