The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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