if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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