I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
