The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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