Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
