You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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