Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.