Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
