Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
