Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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