it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
