i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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