I'm jealous of your bromance
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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