Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
