swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
