mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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