Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
