from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
