I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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