So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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