He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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