ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
