Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
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Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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