I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
