You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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