I will die if light touches me.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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