If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
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As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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