all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
