someone get that fucking seahorse.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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