can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
