I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
