I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
