I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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