Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
