Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
