o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
