I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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