I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
