I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
