singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
