Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
