she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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