well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
