I just threw up on my dentist
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
