Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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