I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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