I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This is the high leading the old right now
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
