This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
