I just cut my nipple shaving
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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