Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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