i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
