just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
