I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
