that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
