dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
