Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
