By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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