Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
